Office date

Wanna feel good about yourself? Run interviews.

Yesterday, it was Carlos turn to be invited for an interview with Miserable Middle Manager. Indeed, this candidate got shortlisted for the position of Senior Marketing Manager, in other words, Data Entry Assistant to Gabino Ducon, my other team member who’s often off sick due to serious flatulence.

He came highly recommended through a recruitment agency, so I was quite excited to meet him. I put make up on and I was prepared to give him one of the most hypocritical pitches of my career, to make him want to work for me (and Gabino).    

I was singing in my head :

Faith: don't let your love turn to hate
Right now we got to keep the faith
Keep the faith
Keep the faith
Lord we got to keep the faith

So.

5:30PM - the sound of a powerful motorbike engine roars on the company’s parking lot, tires squeal, an enormous machine carrying a leathered man parks in the visitor section. Everyone in the office turn their head to the window. Phones stop ringing; fingers stop typing; Focker stops masturbating.

Man jumps off the machine, pulls the helmet out, shakes his mid length brown hair off his face. At the same time the 20 employees of Konarkingdom Ltd working in the ground floor watch the scene in amazement, mouth open.

Man walks to reception, he is no more in the vision, show is over, phone rings again, fingers are back on the keyboard, Focker is back to masturbating.

My phone rings, it is Pamela the receptionist: Miserable Middle Manager, there is an angel looking man called Carlos waiting for you at reception, he says he has an interview with you. You better come quickly, I see Xanax looking at him curiously. I am on my way to remind her about her meeting with Jamie La Ceinture now, but you should come fast, she sometimes get out of control around men.

Pamela is my friend, she manages the meeting rooms and I am the only one in the company who reserves in advance (Always be friend with Receptionists and PAs, they have a lot of power).

So I run.

I am always requested to hire handsome candidates so this is my opportunity to shine. Surely if I fulfil my colleagues desires, they will offer me to come with them daily to the Sainsbury’s meal deal lunch run. Crazy thoughts run through my head : I am at the pub on Friday, having a beer with my co-workers.
I bring Carlos to the meeting room, offer him a beer  glass of water – small talk : did you find us OK? Oh yes I live next door, it was easy, I love your office.

Amazing I think, the guy has already managed to lie to me twice in less than a minute, he will be a perfect fit to the team.

We sit in front of each other, the temperature of the room is high although the aircond is still on and it is November, the interview starts:

Me :  So,  tell me about yourself, what you have done in the past, please run me through your CV and various experiences.

Him : I started my career blablah......

This is my opportunity to look at him and assess if physically I can bear his ass sitting next to me 8 hours per day, 5 days a week. I have already read his CV, no need to listen the blah, I know that only 70% of what he says is made up. Like when he says that in 2009, as marketing assistant, he’s managed 3 people. But I have no interest in the content, what I care about is to be able to bear him and to make sure he does the job so he and I can look good.

What is weird about Gianvitto, is that he looks at me right in the eyes and he shakes his eyelashes. You know the butterfly effect? One always come across a boyfriend who does that, fucking irritating.

Me: what do you like about the job description?
Him:  I love the company (eyelashe effect 1), Konarkingdom Ltd is huge in the UK(eyelashe effect 2), I love the brand(eyelashe effect 3), it would be an honor to contribute to the enhancement of the brand (eyelashe effect 4).

I feel dizzy now.

Me: sorry, I must have confused you, what do you like about the job description?
Him:  I like the brand and the services, I have been a client of Konarkingdom Ltd for 4 years now.
Me : ok, forget about the brand, what about the about the job description
Him : ....
Me : ...
Him : it sounds like an easy question, I must be able to answer
Me: ...
Him : (eyelash effect)
Me: have you read the job description?
Him: off course
Me: ok, what did you like about it?
Him: I enjoy marketing
Me: thank you Carlos, it was a pleasure to meet you, I will give my feedback to the recruitment agency. Goodbye and have a safe journey back.
Him: well before I leave, I just wanted to say that I am not sure if I want to work for Konarkingdom Ltd. I am a bit worried that the parking lot is not secure and I don’t envision leaving my motorbike alone all day under threat of being stollen.
Me: ....

I am not exaggerating.