The Tree of Eternal Goodness

This morning I found myself in my kitchen dozing over my coffee, reflecting on Xmas, on the office day ahead, the dog vet appointment next week, and wondering if I was another victim of Chronic fatigue syndrome (myalgic encephalomyelitis - ME) or just a victim of my poor eating habits. Maybe I could call in sick and say I got struck by ME?

But then my eyes came across my hair brush. What is an hair brush doing in a kitchen you will ask. Well, I don’t know, it seems that things have a life on their own in my flat, especially keys. Anyway, I bought the brush last year at TK Maxx for £5, it is big, flat and useful, it is black with some stuff scribbled at the back. I never reflected on what was written on it, I don’t really care, the brush is cheap and useful. But this morning I read it again, it says:  ‘Life is an endless struggle, full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hair stylist you like.’

What a fuck came through the mind of the Corioliss (the brand of the brush) designer?

This brought me back to the office, 3 years ago, when I was working as a Miserable Middle Manager contractor for a few months for another pestilent company.

Another guy, Jasper, had been hired as the same time as me, to be another middle manager : the sales manager - 10 direct reports, off course he was super motivated. He had been out of work for a few months and no one really knew what he had done before, not until he started being a dick, then everyone Googled him and asked around, finding out that he was just another loser with a big mouth.

But Jasper wasn’t lacking ideas, I have to give him that. He was an old style sales guy, one of those fuckers like Moobs, who sell encyclopedia door to door, and he was applying old style methods to encourage his sales team to make more money.

One of his idea was ‘the tree of eternal goodness’.

We had this dull plant in the office, you know the office plant that struggles to survive and that office managers put in empty corners, to remind you that nature exists somewhere, far away from your desk and fluorescent lights...Well, one day, he moved the plant, put it in the center of the open office and stuck small envelopes on its leaves.

Everyone wondered what the hell this was about, but he wouldn’t say. Then on Friday at 5PM, he pulled out a little bell, shaked it, and called everyone to gather around the tree.

Guys, it is Friday 5PM and I want to introduce the concept of the tree of eternal goodness. As you can see, in each of these envelopes there is a poem and a present. The principle is that you guys go sell as much as you can during the week, and on Friday the best sales person will be rewarded by an envelope which contains a poem and a nice present.

This week the best sales person has been : Arthur!!! Please go, pick your envelope and read us the poem!!!

Obviously Arthur became really pale, then he walked through the gathered crowd, picked an envelope, opened it, looked at the crowd : Do I have to read that to everyone?

Yes you have been the best man in the building this week!

Then he read :

‘Life is an endless struggle, full of frustrations and challenges, but this week, you nailed it, congratulations, you won a bottle of sauvignon, for a nice celebration. Xx Jasper.’

...

Jasper lasted 6 months in the company, during that time, about 30 envelopes were opened, about 10 people were shamed in public. He then left the company to join the Conservative party and run as an MP in his council.

Good luck Jasper.