No, non, nein, niet

Miserable Middle Manager must apologize to her fellow readers, she has been really overworked this week and has been really busy making huge progress on her search for the perfect Middle Managerial role.

So today, Miserable Middle Manager wants to touch base on the subject of job rejection as it seems that there is no definition in wikkipedia for the matter.

So here it is :

Rejection occurs when an individual is deliberately excluded from a job. It occurs frequently after CV application (black hole effect), but also occur after a first, second, third, fourth, fifth or sixth interview.

Causes for rejection after CV application, if we ignore the black hole effect, is totally unknown and unexplained but feedback usually consists in the below :

Dear Candidate

Thank you for responding to our advertisement; should you meet our client's criteria we will contact you within 72 hours to discuss your circumstances and the appropriate way to progress. Please note that if you do not hear back from us it is because your application has not been successful in this instance, however we will keep your details and endeavour to find a suitable role for you in the near future. Your details will not be forwarded to any third parties without your express permission.

Should you have any questions regarding your application please contact the relevant consultant directly and they will respond within 24 hours, where possible.

Once again, thank you for you application.

You will note the typo on the last sentence.

Other feedback comes along those lines, a bit nicer to read:

We have checked the salary for the position that you applied for and unfortunately it is considerably less than what your expectations are.

But my favourite feedback remains the most traditional:

Dear Miserable,
Thank you for your interest in the above position. Unfortunately, I have received applications from candidates whose experience more closely match my client's specific requirements. I will not, therefore, be progressing your application on this occasion.

You will note the unfortunately – it seems that Miserable Middle Manager is very unfortunate these days.

We have touched on rejection after CV application, but rejection becomes even more interesting when you receive an email confirming that your CV has been received, 4 weeks after it has been sent. Meaning that you haven’t been rejected yet, but the system is still digesting your CV, or maybe the black hole has just vomited your CV.

Here is an example:

Dear Miserable,

Thank you for your interest in the Middle Manager position vacancy with Rentokill.

We can confirm that we’ve received your CV and will now review your application.

We will contact you in due course to discuss the next steps should your profile match this vacancy.

Kind Regards

The HR team

Then, sometimes, Miserable Middle Manager gets lucky and is invited to an interview!

Rejection becomes harder, I must now discuss the concepts of single rejection or double rejection.

Single rejection occurs when you have been rejected from a company that you like. In these occasions (they are numerous) the brain really suffers loss, imagining your body and soul running towards a great beautiful light when suddenly some fucking sniper shoots you in the knee. You did your best but will never reach the light. Damn.

Double rejection occurs when you have been rejected from a company that you don’t like. In these, occasions (the longer you look for a job and the more frequent these occasions) the brain suffers frustration, not loss. Because yes, it is frustrating to be rejected by a sad fucker who runs a shit business and who hasn’t seen that you were his only hope at getting any better. The brain then produces hormones of hatred and your confidence suffers, hence making you even bitterer.

Obviously worst cases of rejection happen as the interview process goes further.

I will not touch on rejections that happen as a result of a math or logic test, just thinking about these make me feel like vomiting in my mouth and I am not ready to talk about them just yet.

As it stands, rejection is a trauma that needs to be treated by ingesting a huge amount of chocolate.

I believe that HR managers and Recruitment agencies have close links with companies such as Cadbury or Kraft and contribute to the mass consumption of chocolates, sweets and for some like me, saussisson.

Happy Friday!

Sick leave

Yesterday Miserable Middle Manager was off sick, yes, really sick...and she didn’t manage to go to work. She pulled a sicky!

It was none of the office worker’s most frequent disease such as:  
- Tummy ach
- Period pain
- Food poisoning
-Dodgy stomach
-Shingles
-Bicycle crash
-Duvet day
-Laziness
-Lost voice (inability to speak to line manager)
-Sore fingers (inability to call, email line manager)
-Sore eyes (inability to call, email line manager)
-Man flu
-Masturbation

It was none of this, it was a illness with a proper name, called flu, or influenza- a viral disease that struck Miserable Middle Manager by surprise and at weekend.

Yes, sicknesses sometimes happen to be real!

Friday trash

Today is Friday November 11^th, the perfect day to trash a colleague in honour of the soldiers who fought hard for our peace and freedom.

The colleague of my choice today is a guy called Oobs, Mark Oobs – Or M-Double-o-bs. 

Moobs.

Reason why Miserable Middle Manager is  spending a couple of minutes to talk about Moobs is not because he deserves to be talked about, but because Moobs ‘ time at Konarkingdom ltd is dedicated to aggressing his colleagues permanently. Without Moobs, the blog would probably not exist, but peace would.

M-Double-o-bs was born in Essex in 1973, from an English mother and an unknown father. Actually father was known, Swiss guy called Patrick Juvet and 1973 Eurovision contestant  who ended up at the 12^th place with the song : "Je vais me marier, Marie",  I'm getting married, Marie. Unfortunately Moobs mother wasn’t called Marie and Patrick Juvet was a sick fuck (same father same son), who dumped Moobs mother to go with Marie and didn’t recognize Moobs.

Moobs was an ugly baby, (harassers are often ugly fuckers), birth was painful for his mother Ginette, who then suffered baby blues for years. She tried to love him but barely managed, so she saved enough on benefits to send him away to a bad private school.

He left school at 16 to sell encyclopaedias door to door and managed to make a living crooking retired feebleminded. He became fat and alcoholic at 18 but found love at 25 with a Kevina, a Swiss colleague from work, who shared his love for fish and chips, JD on the rock and had an admiration for Patrick Juvet.

After half a decade with Kevina, girl decided to break up the relationship, as a result of a week in rehab where she became sober for the first time in ages (Specsaver effect I would say).

The break up broke Moobs’ heart, yes he had a heart. But it made him bitter. Seems that even bad persons have hearts.

One day at lunch time when he was having another JD on the rock alone, he met Jamie la Ceinture and Petra Xanax who ordered the same drink. They started chatting and connected right away, Jamie La Ceinture told him he was recruiting for a sale manager position for Konarkingdom ltd- after a few more JD on the rock, Moobs was hired on the spot.

That’s how Moobs career started at Konarkingdom ltd – doing Pest control assessment in Care homes- Konarkingdom ltd is the leader in pestilence prevention!

Straight away Moobs bonded with Philippe Focker and a team of ugly maniacs was born.

Moobs didn’t get more handsome has he grew older but he grew bitterer and slimmer. Living on a diet of coke and coffee, to sell more and pull more women.

Moobs, this post is for you.

With love from Miserable Middle Manager.

Office date

Wanna feel good about yourself? Run interviews.

Yesterday, it was Carlos turn to be invited for an interview with Miserable Middle Manager. Indeed, this candidate got shortlisted for the position of Senior Marketing Manager, in other words, Data Entry Assistant to Gabino Ducon, my other team member who’s often off sick due to serious flatulence.

He came highly recommended through a recruitment agency, so I was quite excited to meet him. I put make up on and I was prepared to give him one of the most hypocritical pitches of my career, to make him want to work for me (and Gabino).    

I was singing in my head :

Faith: don't let your love turn to hate
Right now we got to keep the faith
Keep the faith
Keep the faith
Lord we got to keep the faith

So.

5:30PM - the sound of a powerful motorbike engine roars on the company’s parking lot, tires squeal, an enormous machine carrying a leathered man parks in the visitor section. Everyone in the office turn their head to the window. Phones stop ringing; fingers stop typing; Focker stops masturbating.

Man jumps off the machine, pulls the helmet out, shakes his mid length brown hair off his face. At the same time the 20 employees of Konarkingdom Ltd working in the ground floor watch the scene in amazement, mouth open.

Man walks to reception, he is no more in the vision, show is over, phone rings again, fingers are back on the keyboard, Focker is back to masturbating.

My phone rings, it is Pamela the receptionist: Miserable Middle Manager, there is an angel looking man called Carlos waiting for you at reception, he says he has an interview with you. You better come quickly, I see Xanax looking at him curiously. I am on my way to remind her about her meeting with Jamie La Ceinture now, but you should come fast, she sometimes get out of control around men.

Pamela is my friend, she manages the meeting rooms and I am the only one in the company who reserves in advance (Always be friend with Receptionists and PAs, they have a lot of power).

So I run.

I am always requested to hire handsome candidates so this is my opportunity to shine. Surely if I fulfil my colleagues desires, they will offer me to come with them daily to the Sainsbury’s meal deal lunch run. Crazy thoughts run through my head : I am at the pub on Friday, having a beer with my co-workers.
I bring Carlos to the meeting room, offer him a beer  glass of water – small talk : did you find us OK? Oh yes I live next door, it was easy, I love your office.

Amazing I think, the guy has already managed to lie to me twice in less than a minute, he will be a perfect fit to the team.

We sit in front of each other, the temperature of the room is high although the aircond is still on and it is November, the interview starts:

Me :  So,  tell me about yourself, what you have done in the past, please run me through your CV and various experiences.

Him : I started my career blablah......

This is my opportunity to look at him and assess if physically I can bear his ass sitting next to me 8 hours per day, 5 days a week. I have already read his CV, no need to listen the blah, I know that only 70% of what he says is made up. Like when he says that in 2009, as marketing assistant, he’s managed 3 people. But I have no interest in the content, what I care about is to be able to bear him and to make sure he does the job so he and I can look good.

What is weird about Gianvitto, is that he looks at me right in the eyes and he shakes his eyelashes. You know the butterfly effect? One always come across a boyfriend who does that, fucking irritating.

Me: what do you like about the job description?
Him:  I love the company (eyelashe effect 1), Konarkingdom Ltd is huge in the UK(eyelashe effect 2), I love the brand(eyelashe effect 3), it would be an honor to contribute to the enhancement of the brand (eyelashe effect 4).

I feel dizzy now.

Me: sorry, I must have confused you, what do you like about the job description?
Him:  I like the brand and the services, I have been a client of Konarkingdom Ltd for 4 years now.
Me : ok, forget about the brand, what about the about the job description
Him : ....
Me : ...
Him : it sounds like an easy question, I must be able to answer
Me: ...
Him : (eyelash effect)
Me: have you read the job description?
Him: off course
Me: ok, what did you like about it?
Him: I enjoy marketing
Me: thank you Carlos, it was a pleasure to meet you, I will give my feedback to the recruitment agency. Goodbye and have a safe journey back.
Him: well before I leave, I just wanted to say that I am not sure if I want to work for Konarkingdom Ltd. I am a bit worried that the parking lot is not secure and I don’t envision leaving my motorbike alone all day under threat of being stollen.
Me: ....

I am not exaggerating.

The Dark Passenger

 This morning I woke up in shock, I had dreamt about Philip Focker.

In the dream I was at work, and Focker, this guy in my team, was refusing to send me his timesheet, pretending he was busy*.

*Define busy:  busy is the partial or complete wasting away of a part of the body. [...] Causes of hands and fingers atrophy include masturbation and sucking asses in the workplace.  

Source:  the internet.

Ok, so the guy is busy, it is a terrible medical condition, I understand. But yet, I need to send the bloody timesheet to Petra Xanax, my boss, who needs to send it to Jamie La Ceinture, her boss, who needs to send it HR, who needs to print it on toilet paper for Peter Superman, our respected CEO, who will use it at home for entertaining guests who come for dinner parties.

This is what happens in the dream:

Me: Focker, would you be kind enough to send me your timesheet before EOP?
Focker: Sorry Miserable Middle Manager, I can’t, the deadline is too tight, and I am busy.
Me: it is the same deadline every week, I understand you are busy, but still you need to organize your time to be able to do your timesheet.
Focker: I see. Well I have 5 tasks to perform before I can even think about the timesheet. Which one do you want me to drop?
Me:  Drop the attitude
Focker {grinning}: don’t be rude.

Suddenly, I take the baseball bat hidden under my desk, I jump across desks to reach him and hit him hard on the forehead.
He fells unconscious, so I pull the fat bastard from his chair, drag him to the toilet. On the way I catch a butcher knife which had appeared by magie (remember, it’s a dream). I close the door so that no one sees us, however no one is around. I start cutting his body into pieces, and stack them in the toilet, flushing each part.
But the bastard is bigger than expected, and the task takes ages. The head cannot be flushed so I put it in my computer bag. Also, I keep flushing, but the body parts are crawling back up the pipe.
I hear noise, it’s Xanax at the door, she breaks in and realises what I have done. She takes a hand towel and tries to smother me to rescue her protégé, but I am strong with rage and I escape!  
Then, I am not sure how, she brings back all of Focker’s body parts and starts casting a spell to make him come back to life.....

Suddenly I hear : London Heart 106.2....it is 7am...my radio alarm is on – time to go to work.

It was a dream.

Focker is alive.

I am the zombie.

And I should stop watching TV series.

Happy Wednesday ladies and gentlemen!

  

This post is dedicated to our loyal 27 international readers

7th November: 0 applications, 0 interviews, 1 rejection


It has been a few weeks now since Miserable Middle Manager decided to share her fortunes and misfortunes  with her online comperes from all around the world. Her life is quite tough at the moment due to all subordinates, bosses, HR partners, recruiters, hiring managers and CV-sucking black holes, but a smile appears in her face every morning when she sees her loyal international readers a online and waiting for her posts.
Thanks to:

Russia: Ирина, Алина, Валерия, Доминика, Eкатерина, Ева, Искра, Кристина, Елизавета, Зоя, Наталья, Искра, Инна, Клементина, Клавдия, Розалина, Рената, Флорентина and Юлия.
United States: Michael, Bill, Samantha, Wilson, Kate and Julio Jose.
Germany: Gerbert
France: Auwow


for your support!

The Office Boyfriend

Everyone should have an office boyfriend (or girlfriend).

It doesn’t matter if you already have one outside work, trust Miserable Middle Manager, it is not cheating!

So what is an office boyfriend?

An office boyfriend is a colleague that you like, that pretends to like you back, and that you admire somehow. Either you like them because they have charisma, have the job you dream to have, are good presenter or because everyone in their team love them - although they don’t seem to do shit!

The office boyfriend doesn’t have to be handsome, but let's face it - better have an eye candy OBF than not.

My OBF is the Big Cheese of Marketing in my organization (the BCM). He is not very handsome but he is not bad, probably in his late forties, he has mid length blond hair and blue eyes, he dresses super smart when he has important meetings, and dresses super cool when he doesn’t. He is an amazing presenter, and he doesn’t need a magic sock. Everyone loves him and respects him, although he is barely in the office. Which reminds me of my Xanaxed manager who is neither loved and respected and, like OBF is barely in the office.

How does he do that?

First I thought his perfume was the reason of his success, some kind of Lynx Effect! OBF smells super good and super strong, so he makes sure people can smell his presence in the office.
But if it was his smell, then management would become too easy, I can already imagine Chanel developing the perfume: ‘Office Flower from Chanel – your best friend in leadership’. Everyone would buy it, become a great leader and shock horror, it would be the end of Miserable Middle Manager! MMM would become Miraculous Middle Manager! Ha ca non alors!

OBF knows everyone’s name, OBF looks at you right in your eyes when he talks to you, OBF asks you personal questions and remembers your answers, so when he meets you again in a corridor, he makes sure you are the center of his attention for half a minute. OBF organizes a weekly meeting with his team on Fridays, half an hour before normal office hours. Anyone in the company who is interested is invited. Guess what, the meeting is always packed! OBF is an amazing presenter, and a master in NLP (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Neuro-linguistic_programming)

OBF  is my hero, he is a no nonsense manager, and he is a bigger star than Johnny Dep in Miserable Middle Manager's eyes.

OBF hates Tuesday mornings, so this post is dedicated to you OBF.


I wonder if OBF has ever been a middle manager?